


What Hurts the Most

by Realist



Category: The Orville (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, F/M, I Love You, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 14:30:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18345566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Realist/pseuds/Realist
Summary: After the events of Identity part 2, Claire is on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with her fractured relationship with Isaac.





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics from Rascal Flatts, "What Hurts the Most" was used obviously, I don't own the song. This story was a challenge to myself to write Claire with varying emotions and writing her was difficult. Hopefully, she is portrayed realistically in this story.

_Did he ever love me?_ Claire thought to herself, she could feel tears come down from the corner of her eyes as she stared up at the ceiling.  Sleep was becoming increasingly difficult lately. _Off course not, he is not programmed to feel love.  And yet, I thought I could change his programming. I’m so stupid. Do I even deserve to be loved?  I’ve put so much time into my career and the boys and once I sought out another being; it bit me in the ass.  I’m nothing._

Hearing her alarm go off, she brushed off her tears and got out of bed.  In the bathroom, she stared at her reflection.  Looking back at her was a face with noticeable signs of aging, bloodshot eyes, cheeks that were streaked with tears and hollow due to weight loss and hair that looked like a rat’s nest.

_Why would anyone want you_? Said her inner voice.

Gripping the sink, she tried to get rid of the negativity, but couldn’t as more tears threaten to come out.  She hated herself for being so emotional. She was supposed to be strong, but with everything that happened with Kaylon and Isaac, she could barely keep her emotions intact. Every day was a battle of some sort, either she struggled not to have a breakdown or struggled to even get out of bed in the mornings. Nevertheless, she had to keep up the illusion that nothing was wrong to the crew and to the boys daily.

“You’re better than this.  You’re strong,” she told herself.  “It’s just another day.”  Reaffirming herself again, she went to get ready for the day.

Throughout breakfast, she kept her face neutral and emotions in check as Ty talked about Isaac coming back.  Ty talking about Isaac wasn’t anything new, and she didn’t discourage the talk, however, she knew realistically there was a possibility that Isaac would not be returning.  She simply didn’t have the strength to tell him.

Feeling fed up with his brother’s nonstop chatter, Marcus slammed down his spoon. “You do this every day!  He’s not coming back, because he doesn’t care about us.”

“He does too.  He saved me!” yelled Ty.  “He’s going to come back.  You just have to have faith.”

“Shut up! You’re just too stupid to see the truth. Isaac is not coming back, he’s not going to be our dad and he doesn’t give a shit about us. So, you might as well stop.”

“Marcus!”

“It’s true Mom.”

Jumping up, Ty attacked his brother. “I hate you!” he yelled as he tried to cause damage with his small fists.

Claire quickly grabbed Ty and gave his butt a few smacks.  “Hey, I know you’re upset, but don’t attack your brother.  Go to your room.”

“But Mommy.”

“Go, Ty.”

Claire fought to keep in her anger as she addressed her oldest. “Look, I know you miss Isaac, even if you don’t want to admit it and said those words because you’re hurt.  But you have no right to take your anger out on your brother or curse.  And I swear, to God Marcus, if I hear you call Ty stupid again, you will regret it.”

“But Mom…”

“No buts Marcus.” She paused to take a few deep breathes and to collect her thoughts. “Marcus, I’m tired and you fighting with your brother is not going to help the situation we’re in.”

“Then why does Isaac get away with hurting us?”

“He’s doesn’t mean to hurt us.  It’s complicated.”

It took every ounce of self-control from Marcus to not argue with his mother.    He loved Isaac, not as much as Ty, but the robot needed to know how he was harming them.  But Marcus could easily see how worn down his mother was, despite her attempts to conceal it. What Marcus learned through the years was that his mother’s eyes were expressive and conveyed her true emotions, even when her body language or tone of voice did not.  Right now, they conveyed sadness and it made him feel like crap.

Going to her, he gave her a hug.  “I’m sorry Mom.”

She accepted the hug. “It’s okay Sweetheart.  I don’t feel I can be in sickbay today; do you want to go to school?”

“And stay here with you?”  He couldn’t remember a day when she asked if he didn’t want to attend school.

“Yes.”

“Of course.”

She kissed his forehead.  “Okay, let me go deal with your brother and the three of us will watch a movie.” 

He nodded and increased the pressure of his hug until he let go and went to go lay on the couch.

Going into the boys’ room, Claire found Ty crying into his pillow, taking him into her arms, she rocked him until he was calm.

After 10 minutes, Ty stopped crying and looked up at his mother, her eyes were closed, but he could see a few drops of tears coming from them.  Like Marcus, he knew his mother was sad without Isaac, that’s why he talked about him so much.  Reaching up, he wiped the few drops away.  “He cares about us Mommy,” he said.  “I know it.”

“Ty, I’ll be honest, sometimes I have a hard time believing that.”

“It’s true Mommy, you just have to believe.”

Claire didn’t know how to reply; thus, she changed the subject.  “Do you want to stay home from school today with Marcus and me?”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“Alright, go apologize to your brother, while I call you teacher.”

Ty gave her a kiss and jumped out of her lap as Claire got up to leave the room.  _I don’t deserve them,_ she thought.

After making the necessary calls and she situated herself between the boys with her work tablet, Ty laid his head on her lap and Marcus leaned in close as they watched a 21st century movie called _Black Panther_.  As the boys watched the movie, she booted up her tablet and was met with a new background image.  She had forgotten that she programmed it to show different backgrounds every time she turned it on. The image was a collage of two photos.  The first was of her and the boys the last time they were in Baltimore at Camden Yards, next to it was a photo of her and Isaac, as a human, at a simulated Camden Yards.

It was his idea to start a series of dates that would have him experience bits of Baltimore with hope on her part that she would be able to take him to the real places one day.  Visiting the baseball stadium was the first in their series of dates. After watching a game, the two posed for a picture in the stands with the field in the background.  _We truly look like a couple_ , Claire mused as she took note of their matching outfits that consisted of jeans, a baseball cap, and a black and orange Oriole jersey.  His arm was wrapped around her shoulders as he looked at the camera.  Since it was his first photo as a human, she couldn’t convince him to smile, but the picture still came out well.  “Why did I fall for you,” she asked herself quietly.

Going into her settings, she struggled to delete the collage or not.  In the end, she just replaced her background with black wallpaper and started work.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

It was Kelly that talked or commanded her into going to karaoke when all she wanted to do was go to bed early after an emotionally draining morning, but she had to keep up her illusion that everything was fine.

Despite knowing everyone in the room, she felt out of place.  As she quickly scanned the room, she saw no one of interest, until her eyes settled on Isaac.  His presence seemed out of place.  Since his reactivation, he had become a pariah. Averting her eyes, she focused as Gordon took the microphone, she knew that whatever he sang would be good, but she didn’t expect was…

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_  
_That don't bother me_  
_I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out_  
_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_  
_Even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me_  
_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay_  
_But that's not what gets me_

“Damn it!” She wrung her hands and lowered her eyes, to conceal the tears that threatened to come out. 

_What hurts the most was being so close_  
_And havin' so much to say_  
_And watchin' you walk away_  
_And never knowin' what could've been_  
_And not seein' that lovin' you_  
_Is what I was trying to do_

Every emotional barrier that Claire had built was breaking, as she was assaulted by memories of her and Isaac; everything from their first date, to the last time they made love.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go_  
_But I'm doing it_  
_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_  
Still _harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret_  
_But I know if I could do it over_  
_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart_  
_That I left unspoken_

By the time, the second chorus came, Claire couldn’t take it anymore and ran out of the room.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

“What is my purpose for being here?” he asked himself.  It seemed uncharacteristically human to ask himself such a question since the answer was already known.

He had been commanded into attending karaoke night by the Captain.  The reason being, that social interaction between himself and other crew members have ceased since the takeover.  To be reintegrated back, he would need to spend time with the crew after shift.

He sat away from the other crew members in a back corner, but from his position, he could clearly see Dr. Finn.  During Lt. Malloy’s song, he watched intently as her head lowered, and her body began to shake.  Approximately one minute and forty-six seconds later, she exited the room.  The compulsion he felt when he saved Ty came forth, and he went after her.

Tracking the trajectory of her tears, he found her in the simulators on her knees crying. Her vulnerable state made him recall the memory of her crying over Ty’s body as she confessed that she couldn’t lose him.

Dropping onto his knees, he lifted her head up and slowly began to wipe away the tears.

The feeling of cold metal on her face made her aware it was him.  Part of her wanted to scream at him, to beat his chest for even putting her into this state.  The other part wanted to be in his arms. But she couldn’t do anything as she just sobbed, despite his attempts to remove her tears.

“Dr. Finn, may I inquire about your emotional state?”

“It’s because…because…I… love… you.”  She confessed through her sobs.  “It’s stupid because I know you’re incapable of feelings and emotions and you probably haven’t grasped how much you have affected my life.”

He was not designed to hesitant, but he did. To love was an intense feeling of deep affection.  To say he was fond of her would be more adequate.  However, something was telling him, he was incorrect.  “Dr. Finn, I apologize that I have affected your life negatively that was never my intent.”

She thought taking his apology would be enough, on the other hand, she thought about what happened with Ty and Marcus earlier. “Do you miss us?”

Her unexpected question caused confusion for him. “Please be more specific?”

“How can I be more specific?   Do you miss being around me and the boys?”

“Yes Doctor, I do miss the companionship of the boys and you.”

“Then what are we to you?”

He hesitated again.

His inability to answer started to lead to despair for her, which caused anger, because she wanted an answer. “What am I to you?!” She yelled. “What are the boys?!”

“You and your sons are what I consider my family unit,” he answered slowly as if he was unsure about what he was saying.

“What?”

“From what I gathered family has many definitions, however, I have concluded that a family is a group of individuals that come together and share a degree of fondness for each other.  I am fond of you and the boys.”

“I think the better word is love.”

“I am an artificial life form and was not designed to have feeling or emotions, as you said so yourself.  I do not know if the biological word love is applicable.”

“Isaac, why did you sacrifice yourself during the takeover?”

“For the crew to retake the ship, and because before I was deactivated originally, I made a declaration to myself that no harm would ever come to you or the boys.”

“You vowed to protect me and my sons.  That is a form of love Isaac even if you cannot process it.”

“Claire that is an incorrect statement.”  It was the first time, he had ever spoken her name, something that did not go unnoticed by her.

“Don’t bullshit me. You love us, but the way you were built won’t let you express it.  But I know you can and you’ve done it so many times before.  We were wrong, you’re not an emotionless artificial life form.  You are a being that feels.”

“Claire please do not project your will onto me.”

“I’m not projecting anything. You don’t want to believe what I am saying is true, because you only think with algorithms.  Think beyond your programming.”

His head tilted downward as if in thought and made a slight movement as if he was shaking it.

“Tell me this Isaac, if you didn’t love me, why have you’ve been calling me Claire.  You have never done that before.”

“I do not have an explanation of why I am using your first name, I was not aware of it.”

“Because you’re doing it subconsciously.”  She took his head into her hands.  The despair she felt was coming at a breaking point; it needed to end now.  “I love you… _sob_ …I love you.” She could barely get out her next sentence. “I want to hear you say that you don't love me. Because if you say that we can officially end what we have and you can delete whatever memories you have of me and the boys. Then I will request a transfer to another vessel because I can’t go on like this and subject the boys to you any longer.”

She noticed that his eyes became 1/8 of an inch wider as if he was shocked.

He looked at her for a good minute, contemplating his words carefully before he spoke. “Claire, Kaylon Primary’s final statement to me was that I would always be alone.  I do not wish for his final words to be factual. If you were to transfer to another vessel, my functions would cease to operate properly. I do not wish for this to transpire.” He paused.  “I do not wish to lose the three beings that I care for the most.”  Taking another 30 seconds to fully process the full implications of his next sentence, he concluded that the statement was true.  “I love you.”

She launched herself into her arms and cried into his chest in response, he wrapped his arms around her applying just enough pressure to ensure comfort.  As he held her, he changed his form to human, lifted her head up and initiated a kiss.

After about two minutes of kissing, the pair separated but kept close as their foreheads touched.  “Claire.”

“Yes, Isaac?”

“How will we proceed with our coupling?”

She pulled away slightly, so she could look him in the eye. “I’m not entirely sure Isaac.  It will be a process that we’re going to have to work on together.”  She leaned in to kiss him.  “But I promise you, once we get through this, you will never be alone.”  

He nodded in understanding.  “What of Marcus and Ty?”

“First come home and tell them how you see them as your family.  I think that is what they need to hear the most, afterward we’ll figure it out.”  Standing up, she brushed the last of her tears away and got ready to leave, before he stopped her.  “What?”

“Before we return to your quarters, may we spend more time together?  I have missed your presence for the past 37 days.”

For the first time in over a month, a genuine smile came to her face.  “Of course.”

A minute later, the pair found themselves overlooking Baltimore from the top of the Camden Yards, hands intertwined with a bond that hopefully would never be broken.

 

 


End file.
